Fred and I 27/4/1981 - 1/11/05

6 years...

2011-10-31T23:36:00.005+11:00

The 1st November is another anniversary of your loss. 6 years has gone so fast 2012 has hone so fast alone. Fortunately it does get easier to deal with. It is still sad that your gone and the world lost a wonderful person but it does get easier. You wonder why they don't take others instead that are a drain or horrible people.

I have finally done the things we considered years ago; I stopped wasting my time in areas that were a burden, I have diversified and grown. I have a lovely wife, probably more then we actually spoke about but you said for me to keep living. Fortunately your mum and dad were there for me more then you asked of them...

I don't need to tell you things you must surely know and I bet some sadden you while others make you smile.

Your not forgotten. You would like my wife committed lady and professional.

xo

it has been a while

2011-08-07T23:23:00.003+10:00

Hi everyone,

Yes Kim is not forgotten from her loving family and dear friends, however i have closed down the facebook site due to some poor actions by individuals that would have disappointed her so much. At the end of the day they were only training partners; you can lead by example and even write a book but it doesnt mean people will take notice of the lessons. I hope one day they do otherwise you ask yourself even harder what was the point... I will protect her rights, name and imagine.

None the less I am freed of life sucking negative problems. I have only those who I choose to have around me. Family, love and integrity is ultimately important.

You will know by now that i have retired from coaching athletes, I think my last athlete finished years ago if you know what i mean ... I felt the relief almost immeadiately. I know this is not the place to vent but it is not venting as i have been done a favor and I so pleased that insignificant issues will no longer take a piece of me.

I am more then a coach and am not shaped by those whom try to take without putting in then lay blame at others. 3rd world countries with no resources have achieve so much more... they blame no one.
I hope that many try to coach and replace me, good luck with that!!! lol

Carpe Diem -I seize the day.

Peace to those who understand. Arlyn peace to you, I am glad your well. I have entrusted the password to another for safe keeping.. Lisa my freind you are a special woman. xo

Love Robert

Kim is not forgotten

2010-02-19T23:40:00.003+11:00

Kim is not forgotten and holds a special place in my life. However it doesnt mean i can't love again and find that special person. It doesn't mean that it makes any relationship i have any less. It means that we move through a series of events in our lives and some last longer and are possibly more meaningful yet they are experiences.

Nonetheless i have found the woman i will spend my life with. As long as that may be...we will be married soon. I am thankful Steve and Marie are happy for us and supportive. xo rob

Procrastination

2009-11-16T23:53:00.002+11:00

Well it has just passed 4 yrs since we lost you, still feel your presence. Life is good I am very lucky to have shared with you. Sometimes it is hard to elaborate well enough to others and not hurt feelings. Well I can only try my best. I get the messages from the most unexpected places.

I am living I am happy. I am glad to have shared.

A letter I recieved some time ago

2008-10-29T22:44:00.004+11:00

A letter i received some time ago from a year 10 high school student. I tried to contact her at the time as the letter brought tears to my eyes again and it was a thought provoking letter that sometimes prompts us into action, or just thought.

Here is her words about "The Real Fight"

" When I heard we were to read the book 'The Real Fight' I really didnt want to. All I could think of was how boring reading about a Taekwondo Champion would be. I didn't realise until after I had read the book that it was much more than that. It was about a young girl that was determined to do well in life and was at the peak of success when darkness dawned on her. While I was reading through the book i felt as though I was going through this traumatic experience with her, for example when the radiologist announced she had a lesion on her liver, I had no idea what it meant and after I realised that it meant she had cancer a sadness and feeling of dread ran through my body and by the end of the book I felt really connected with this young woman as if I had known her for years.

When I began reading the book the first words gave me quite a shock. ' Nobody beats cancer' I automatically thought of how this must be one of those books that talks about how depressing life is after you are diagnosed with cancer, but i was wrong. The book actually inspired me and made me think of all the easy things i take for granted in my life. Small simple things like talking, sitting up, and evening breathing were all things that Kim Dalton could hardly do after her operations. The horrible realisation that cancer can attack anyone at anytime really scared me, mother, fathers, sisters, brothers, someone famous, someone rich, someone poor, someone successful it doesn't matter. No one gets to pick and choose who and when someone gets cancer. It just happens and that is the biggest shock of all.

Kim' s story really inspired me that no what happens everyone can find it within themselves to find the courage and determination to pull through, even in the toughest of times. Her understanding of knowing that her life has changed forever and her hope of becoming a better person because this disease even if she it doesn't beat it. She is wise and courageous without knowing it, you can't help but like her and wish that she would be ok. She says something in the book that about how her opponent id now cancer that she wants to face it and fight it with more focus then ever before in her life. This shows her background of Taekwondo was influencing the way she sees and think is about her cancer and how in the end was able to stay focused and as much in control of it as she could be. This has such a positive feel and really makes me think of how I can learn and grow from her experience.

Closer to the end of the book, Kim talks about life and acceptance. "Could I accept all that has happened to me? Is it possible that I could find peace without a cure...?" As I read these questions I thought about how incredible Kim was at a young age. I wonder how she could possibly have thought so rationally at that age, when she was nearing the end of her life. Perhaps the thought of her life ending so abruptly made this incredible young woman realise that the everyday things that everyone argues over and thinks are really important, really aren't. That "Perhaps this happened for a reason and because of this she has a greater appreciation of life and a greater depth of character". Perhaps by Kim being so sick she trained her mind to focus on the other things other than her health such as her sport, a passion she had always held long before she became terminally ill. Her words had so much meaning and were so wise that I couldn't believe how a woman could see from that point of view, the point of view I'd expect to see from an elderly person.

Kim Dalton was, still is an inspiration and showed so much compassion in every aspect of her life. I would definitely say she was a role model and by writing her book has touched so many people. I love how she says :"living now is important. Living well with appreciation is important. Living with meaning is important. Our connection to and influence on others is important." she seemed to know and understand everything i didn't, but then she could go on and explain everything in words I could relate to. While reading this book I felt as though I could feel the pain and as though I was there with her the whole time. I even remember back in 2003 hearing about this incredible woman. Now, after reading this book I feel very lucky to have listened to her wise words. She was never whinging about why me. Her selflessness is incredible and I can only strive to be as brave, understanding, accepting and determined as Kim Dalton was, I only wish I could have got to meet her, she was only 24, WHAT AN INSPIRATION

Emma L. D. 10e2"

Well Emma the Daltons and i thankyou for your thoughts on Kim on the eve of our 3rd year of her passing.

Robert Cooley

Kim Honoured as Kiama Sporting Great!!!!!!!

2008-10-04T15:33:00.004+10:00

Kim is Great but we all knew that!

Recently Kim's mum and dad nominated her for selection onto the Inaugural Kiama Sporting Hall of Fame.

Last Night we attended the event and among very distinguished guest Kim was named one of six inaugural members. It was an absolutely whos who of sport in Kiama and the South Coast with some great International athletes too.

Nominees included- Mick Cronin (Rugby League Kangaroo), Rod Wishart Rugby League Kangaroo), Norma Stead (Tennis), Ben Kerstin (Olympian Cycling), Zoe Uphill (Olympian Rowing), Athol Noble (Rugby League), Paul Quinn (Rugby League Kangaroo), Garry Grey (Rugby Wallaby), Brian Weir (Rugby Wallaby)

Also attending were Kims former sparring partners who put on a dispaly of top class sparring. The crowd was very enthusiatic towards our athletes which demonstrated that Kim had Cancer, had chemo, had major major surgery and then returned to compete without a whimper of complaint. Kim felt most at home either on the competition court or in the surf.

This is a once in a lifetime person for me to have spent so much time with and hence misses immensely.

Burning desire to kick

2008-08-31T22:03:00.002+10:00

Here is a burning onto a piece of wood by artist Karl Blatch of Kim.

It was taken from a photo that i had shot for the book.

A few minutes later after shooting something like 100+ photos

Not unlike my photographer mate-Conti I ended up in the ocean much to Kims amusement.

But i got the shot...

Karl is a fantastic artist

93 and gone

2008-08-04T23:27:00.002+10:00

My grandmother died she finally passed over. She probably should have years ago but who i am to judge that.

I went to the funeral which was surrounded by the most lovely people. My uncle 67 gave a eulogy and found it hard to compose himself. After looking after his mother weekly in the nursing home and now the responsibility as the closest and eldest son has gone. I wonder what he will do now with his wife Nan was his duty his calling, it was what he did.

I felt relief at Nans death, her soul had now passed over and left the body that had restricted and contrained her in so many ways in the nursing home free at last.

I was good until my most favourite Aunty (Great Aunty) Doris 83 i think, came in to the funeral it was her sister Ella that passed. Aunty Doris said to me, "Robert I am thinking of you today" that was it I broke down. Tears welled from me not for Nan, i was happy for her. It was for Kim and that was what Aunty Doris was talking about. I sat up the back alone, i could hide there. My brothers up the front with my parents. But behind Aunty Doris. some twenty years since i had seen many of these realtives of this side of the family but still the same many unchanged, even Great Uncle George and spirtely 92yrs old. He was great i told him I hope I am half as fit as you at half you age. Yes I am not there yet..... Aunty Doris would only next week mourn the loss of my cousin Susan while at that moment mourn Nan, yet the first thing she said was that above. I left Aunty Doris and family later on and she said "Robert thankyou for your freindship" I always have enjoyed to see her and always will. Dont leave it long between visits in seeing your family.

These wonderful old wise people know, they have seen WAR, deaths, losses of husbands, children and siblings. Yet they know enough about humanity to care for the younger ones, those who have so much to learn.

Inspirational, remarkable, amazing....I had not seen these people for a long time yet they had read Kims book and cared so much to mention it. It hurt that so many had read the story found her remarkable like all of us and yet alas she is gone. I cried silently up the back reflecting on Kim not Nan. Nan had a good long life.

I asked the question again the other day WHY? I didnt like the answer, unsatisfactory i thought and he knew it.

To some of my family Aunty Doris, Aunty Phillis, Uncle George, Graham Lambert, Maureen and Doug Bath, Cousin Janette thankyou for your kind words. It means so much to me and would to Kim too.

My brother tony didnt get much conversation on the way home lucky Jay was there to take class i was emotionally discharged.

Human nature is to love, not to hate. Dont waste a moment they are precious. I will continue to try to grow and do what i think is right.

It has been too long, after winter there will be a family reunion in Parramatta Park like the old days, the kids kicking the footy Graham in bat, kids mingling, family reminicsing... the good ones days

They say that a baby is born pure a pure soul a pure light, it is society that teaches this person to change. we must not encourage this. Everything is learnt by parents, freinds, teachers, we have the power to make change do it......

Master Kim Dalton

2008-06-30T18:09:00.004+10:00

Today i passed my test for Sixth Dan and today I bestow upon Kim (posthumously) her 5th Dan. As the WTF bestows the priviledge of worthy persons a higher belt level upon their passing. I am now able to do so.

Therefore as of today i hereby grant Kim Dalton a Fifth Dan Blackbelt. I remember her wanting to be a female Master. And she was that Mastering just about everyhting she put her mind to.

Well Kim you are a Master and recongnised so by our School and my priviledges to do so.

27/4 Happy Birthday

2008-04-25T05:42:00.001+10:00

I got some interesting messages the other day from your mum...thankyou

2year gone RIP

2007-11-02T10:51:00.000+11:00

It has been 2yrs yesterday and none have forgotten
Kim has gone on to inspire many school kids that have read he words.
Some surely would have make her proud, our new blackbelts and others
While some would leave her wondering.

The surf was crap but the whale and her calf made it nice... there are no answers there
Only that no longer is she in pain as ours lessens.

One tries to live each day with enjoyment although it is hard with other ppls issues thrust upon my life...dont they get it? I dont have all the anwers...just try to see logic and reason.

There were dark thoughts very dark thoughts somewhere in all this ppl forget that I am human and that whilst they had feelings they were a bystander while I was collateral damage...

Fortunately there are were kind pl in this world and loving, although sometimes that is sabotaged before it blossoms... what could be in the future is anyones guess..

carpe diem

i will be back another day

On 1/11/2006

2006-11-11T23:30:00.000+11:00

Well the 1st of November arrived and has gone....nobody has forgotten.

Everyone trained hard in Kims honour in our sport class while others remembered in their own private way.

One never thinks they will love again although I have been very fortunate to meet a fantastic woman that i care about so much. In a strange way Kim brought us together.... I am so grateful to have such amazing woman in my life. I did not think i could find happiness again but have.

Life is short LIVESTRONG and be happy enjoy every day....

Regards

Rob

Arlyn, Kim and Jack Johnson

2006-08-27T23:07:00.000+10:00

Arlyn Kim and Jack

Hi
check this out from Alryn in the USA she has the same cancer as Kim and is battling away with it. Arlyn is one of the nicest ppl we have meet through the whole journey

http://breathingstill.blogspot.com/2006/04/sitting-waiting-wishing.html

http://breathingstill.blogspot.com/2005/11/for-kim.html

two tributes to Kim

"Some people dont know what they have"

Livestrong and peace

luv Rob

Blackbelt test 2006June

2006-06-12T01:26:00.000+10:00

Fred and I ***27/4/1981 - 1/11/05***

Well Done Blackbelt Kids
Ben, Alexander and Nicole recently graded to blackbelts. You started their journey and we are completing it with them...I will remember it is the journey not necessarily the destination. And as you can see your students are still there going strong! We were right about Mile, he's just like you...

It was sad awarding the blackbelts to students I couldnt get out some things I wanted to say hopefully it gets easier. They wore the "Kim Dalton" arm bands which played on my emotions throughtout the test. They honored you but made it a bit more difficult for me. You were with us....your always with us.

The day went fantastic as usual you were missing so not the same, I can't say its getting any easier. Hence the 133am blogging; and watching stupid AFL...

Robxx

A Happy Birthday?

2006-04-26T23:56:00.000+10:00

What do you Say?

Not Happy Birthday?,

the 27th of April would have marked Kim's 25th year on this earth.

Alas it does not,
It does mark a occasion to remember the wonderful times we had,
the funny times,
the desparate times,
the training times,
the surfing times,
the loving times,
the friend times,
the team mate times,
the family times,
the doing things with my kids times,
the learning times,
the holiday times,
the quiet times,
the knowing times, when we just knew

They are but moments in our lives but
so precious that they live in our memories...live on forever

We are greater for having been enriched with your soul

I will see you in the surf, we will meet again...

love you
Rob

Book Launch

2006-03-10T23:25:00.000+11:00

Fred and I ***27/4/1981 - 1/11/05***

Just got home from the Book Launch of The Real Fight.

It was very well attended and a very emotional experience. It opened up some of our emotions that many had been able to put away. Your voice brought tears to everyone there, tears of joy and of sorrow.

It was to be a time for partying and celebration, well that was when Kim was alive
and we were planning ...well not really planning but more dreaming about what it would be like.

Tonight was really HARD, Peter Riley a very close friend and MC performed a remarkable job of bringing it together for us. The Daltons spoke so highly of their Daughter and sister, which was so deserving and full of pride.

Friends and family as well as people who have only come to know Kim after our loss were their to honour Kim's legacy that she has left us all.

A fantastic book, a difficult journey that only people of Kim's character could endure the way it happened and carry on.

I cannot thank everyone enough, and most of all Kim...you taught me so much, you gave your love to the fullest and most dearly to me. I thankyou for the times we had, we will meet again my friend, my soulmate.

I miss you so much nothing can replace you...

Love Rob xx

Feedback from The Real Fight

2006-02-21T22:43:00.001+11:00

Fred and I ***27/4/1981 - 1/11/05***

Hi All

Well Kim's words have already affected many...but that was a given we knew she would.

I thought I would put some comments up from people that have either emailed or spoken to me about the book. I find it hard at first to think that people did not know how bad things were but as I reflect when someone asked I would say something like. "oh it is not too bad, Kim is strong" You see Kim's main worry was me and the centre and what would happen after she was gone. It appears that losing her has strengthen the club resolve to stick together, a credit to all for the loyalty shown to Kim amd I.

So here it goes.

"Thank you. After reading Kim's stories, I hope that I am not also
looking into a crystal ball, as she put it. Being a librarian, I
especially appreciate Kim's writing. How wonderful that she left a book
as a tangible legacy. What a heartbreaking loss for everyone.

Rita Dowling"

"Hey Rob, it's Renae.
I didn't want to say anything to you at the centre but I have finished Kim's book and I am so proud to have known her. It is blatantly obvious why you miss her so much. An incredible partner like her is hard to come by. I know I read the draft copy but this version seems so much more....... I'm not sure what the word is to describe more.......just more! She was years ahead of herself and others twice her age. I only hope that I can appreciate the simple things in life as much as Kim realised what it is that is important...!
Renae"

"Wow what an amazing book. I feel priviliged to have hold of a copy earlier than the official date. Couldn't wait to read it. Amazing talent from someone so young but with such amazing ability. Kim you will never be forgotten darling you will live on in our hearts forever,
regards Jenny C"

"Kim's book is so good, it is just incredible. I dont know how she did what she did everyday in her condition. I really dont know how you manged to do what you did in the process either.... Nada"

"I had to call you to let you know what a wonderful journey you both have been through, Wow the book is amazing and just wanted to thankyou for giving me the book, it is so amazing, Kim is so insightful....thankyou! Melinda "

"Kims book is so special, we are trying to get the book in our school for year 12 students to study....maybe even our year 8 students too, just a extremely well written and honest account. KHS"

We have sold out of our first order some 250 books! more coming soon, very soon. In book shops 1st March.

LIVESTRONG

cheers
Rob xx

Not far from my heart

2006-02-13T23:49:00.000+11:00

with love on Valentines Day

Rob xx

So Surreal The Real Fight has arrived

2006-02-06T13:51:00.000+11:00

The Real fight has arrived.

I wondered how it would affect me?

excited,
saddened,
proud,

most of all SURREAL.

What a mess, trying to control myself as I except the
shipment of the courier.

I hope you all enjoy Kim's book and are not too upset by it. I doubt that....

Rob xx :'(

Happy as you Want

2006-01-05T22:39:00.000+11:00

A friend recently emailed a message to me and it went like this

...I hope you are feeling strong and as happy as you want to be....

I understood straight away that there was a bigger message here.
We have the ability to make ourselves feel good or bad.
Yes Kim knew we would feel bad, upset, lonely, lost, you name it we have been there.
But it is our minds that have the power to go forward, feel good, be happy, it is a state of mind.

Many athletes talk themselves down, be negative, what if??? etc.
The champions continually talk themselves into success through self belief.
You can't be successful just because I believe in you...you have to believe.

I need to practice being happy without guilt and people around us have to be less
judgemental of others for their own sakes. Negative comments are not good for anyone least fo all those making them.

Life is too short, make sure people know how you feel before it is too late.

Kim and I were somewhat lucky we knew and told eachother what we wanted and needed to, although I think I was ripped off a few years....

Thankyou Layne

Rob xx

Healing Heart and Soul

2005-12-27T22:48:00.000+11:00

I would like to suggest to you all that follow or read Kim's blog to get a copy of the book by Dr Roger Cole, "Healing Heart and Soul".

Dr Cole has been in Palliative Care Medical for many years, he has developed an understanding and caring for those that come into his care.

Dr Cole has shown our family so much guidance and care during Kim's last few weeks. In fact when Kim became aware that there was nothing the health system could or would do anymore she organised to see Dr Cole herself. Dr Cole lectures on mediatation and spiritual issues more or less.

Dr Cole's book's "A Mission to Love" and "Healing Heart and Soul" has provided Kim with the peace that she sought in the desparate times that we encountered. I really mean this and cannot overstate it enough. It was through these books and meditation along with the Help Of Barry MacNamarra that she found peace.

I am not a big reader of books, but these are very helpful.

I surfed with a friend today that lost his wife 3 1/2 years ago and understandably is still having troubles dealing with the loss. We understand eachother too well, I wish this pain was not here, alas it is i could clearly see that he was in the pain I and many of us feel, although we feel it from a different perspective.

I suggested he read this book I really believe it will...............anyone dealing with loss, impending loss or give to maybe understand some things about why we do the things we do.

Dr Cole has formulated beliefs from his work and events that have shaped his thoughts.

my 2 cents may be worth more then that

Rob xx

THings Kim did with Cancer and why we should not ever complain even though it is human

2005-12-24T01:03:00.001+11:00

Retired from competition

Went back to fight in NSW championships

Went on to fight in National Championships

Ran in the City to Surf (Sydney) and Kicked my Ass

Surfed in 8 foot swell with Layne Beachley after 2 days in bed with Chemo

Trekked around Noosa National Park cause I did not know where we were going

Wrote a Book

Sparred her team mates form time to time

Surfed most weeks

Taught classes

Coached at Competitions even within a Month of passing

Never complained

Concerned for everyone else

Showed and gave love to all her family and friends

This is pretty spur of the moment blogging at 1 am, so I will get back to one.

cheers Merry Xmas

Rob x

No Words Needed

2005-12-06T22:02:00.000+11:00

Enjoy the Photos of Kims true Friends and Family

You know I was going to write nothing but ah well.

As I sat there in the middle of the circle of surfers paying tribute to Kim, I wondered how far I would get through the speech, almost planned then unplanned then hey I will play it by ear. I said what I wanted to and choked a few times. Then some friends spoke and her brother Chris. I felt many people would of loved to say something but sometimes we just cant say what we need or want to. We should never wait for the opportunity to tell someone how you may pass and you will rue the day for not saying anything.

There are times when you surf that there are many people in the water and you feel uncomfortable, someone dropping, how many waves you get.

But on this day I had a feeling of deep comfort and was relaxed. Everyone was ther for Kim and not themselves, everyone was giving. It was wonderful

Rob xx

ps 6 months Cass and I expect see you unless I come to Vail sooner! Safe trip Luv Rob

Kim goes to the Sea at Jones Beach

2005-12-04T20:51:00.000+11:00

Fred and I

Today the 4th Dec we put Kim's ashes to the Sea.

After bouts of bad weather conditions and 2 metre waves early in the week. We were greated by sunny skies, small surf (although some still got smashed) and a mass of people to pay their repect to Kim and throw flowers into the sea.

Photos tomorrow.

It could not have gone any better, and yes it was difficult but made easier by the love around her and support from our ever loyal family and friends.

thanks everyone who supported and helped out

Family
SCTC members
Jones' Boardriders
Werri Boardriders
The Robbos and Goodies
Vaya at Pines Surfing Academy

Rob x x

What does my 4th Dan blackbelt mean to me? by Kim

2005-12-02T23:26:00.000+11:00

What does achieving my fourth Dan mean to me?
It is hard to articulate what it is that drew me so strongly to Taekwondo, but I know that from the first time I threw a kick, nearly ten years ago now, I felt like I was home. I think it may be the combination of the mental and physical challenge that Taekwondo presents. To be successful at Taekwondo it is not only necessary to have mastered the physical attributes – the kicks, movements and punches – but at a high level it is also necessary to have a mental understanding of the game and a strategy, a little like chess. Or maybe it was the sense of purpose I felt when I was training and the clarity of knowing what I really wanted to do. Whatever it was, I was hooked.

Rarely in life do we find something which we are passionate about, something which we can pursue single mindedly. I was fortunate enough to discover my passion for Taekwondo at a young age and I have been chasing the dreams that accompanied that passion ever since.

Taekwondo became a way of life for me, but what I didn’t know, nor could I have imagined that it would help me live.

I remember, as a younger person, just beginning my path in Taekwondo, meeting my seniors - people who were third, fourth and fifth dans. It seemed as if they knew everything about Taekwondo. Their blackbelts with so many stripes on the end was a barrier of knowledge, technique, experience and respect that separated them from me. I respected the stripes on those belts and I wanted to have all those stripes.

The time when I would wear a Blackbelt, let alone one with so many stripes on it seemed light years away as I struggled to improve and to move beyond even the most basic of techniques. I never doubted that I would be a Blackbelt and deep down I always knew that one day I would be one of those blackbelts that the juniors would look up to. Writing this essay, reflecting, I now realize that I have become what I so looked up to when I was a fledgling, white, yellow and blue belt, maybe even more so.

With time, consistent determination and effort, my ability eventually caught up with my ambition. Thousands of hours of training transformed my ungainly kicks into fluid, powerful techniques that were the cause of more than a few sore heads in the years that I was a competition fighter. I became one of the top female fighters in Australia and represented Australia in benchmark international events – an achievement that only a small percentage of players who ever step on to the competition mats will ever accomplish.

One of the unique things about Taekwondo is that there is always something more to achieve, how often do we achieve our goals only to ruminate ‘well what now?’. In Taekwondo there are no ends, only new beginnings and there is always something more we can work on or work towards.

More recently, circumstances have conspired to present me with challenges that made the trials of my Taekwondo career seem undemanding by comparison. And yet it is my firm belief these trials and the physical and mental attributes that I acquired through my years of Taekwondo training and competition provided almost the perfect preparation for the physical, emotional and philosophical struggle that followed my cancer diagnosis.

Lying in a hospital bed minus a few internal organs, enveloped in pain and desperately ill. Wondering not only if I would ever throw a kick again but if I would live, attaining my fourth Dan seemed further away than when I was a white belt. On the days when I needed assistance to get out of bed, to shower, to walk, on the days when I was so fatigued by chemotherapy that I was almost incoherent, the possibility of achieving my fourth Dan Blackbelt appeared almost laughable.

So really achieving my fourth Dan means more to me than the fact that I can do patterns, kick and punch better than most people. It is more than a stripe on a belt or a certificate on a wall. It is an affirmation of life.

CARPE DIEM

Kim Dalton
30th July 2004

In about October 2004 Kim had fought in State (2nd) and qualified for nats. Kim met a fighter first up and proceeded to kick her truely about; 5 back kick counters in a row (did not learn from the first) almost knocking out the other chick. In the 2nd match Kim came up against International Rep and friend Kirsty who had far more fitness then Kim, Kim lost after a early 2 point lead. All her friends, and competitiors watched in jubulation as Kim walked out the fight. Noone thought she could again, even me. It was a great moment even though she finished 5th at Nats. The thing was the cancer did not stop her at that point it did not dictate the rules to her.

Friends known and unknown

2005-11-26T18:48:00.000+11:00

I miss you babe

In this world we are very fortunate to have so many nice people which leaves the nasty, selfish, and egocentric ones in the minority.

Kim once said to me about someone, "...I hope the end result justifies the means..." I dont think that it will for these type of people, they proprably are too shallow to see their myopic view. For there are only a few true champions, and many do not wear gold medals, which are sometimes but a front or false character of shallow people.

I recieved an email today that was from a young girl in Gerringong. She really gets it!, and I am sure she will be a great person and allow some of Kims goodness to guide her in a distinguished and honourable fashion in whatever her pursuits are.

To Lauren P -the young girl, thankyou for your email and I, like you, like many weep everytime something is said or written that was unexpected or unsolicited. I guess it is because we as society are too tied up with petty things instead of enjoying the moment for what it is, It is now. Sure plan for the future but dont get lost trying to get.

An Interview With God

What Surpirises you most about man?

That they get bored with childhood,
They rush to grow up and then long to be children again.

They lose their health to make money,
They lose there money to restore their health.

That they think too anxiously about the future,
They forget the present,
Such that they live in neither the present or the future.

That they live as they will never die,
And die as they had never lived.

As a parent what are some of life's lessons you want your children to learn?

To learn that they cannot make anyone love them.
What they can do is allow themselves to be loved.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves with others.

To learn that a rich person is not neccessarily the one with the most,
But the one who needs the least.

To learn that it only takes a few secconds to open profound wounds in people we love,
And years to mend them.

To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.

To learn that there are people who love them dearly,
But simply do not know how to express or show their feelings.

To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.

To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others,
But that they must forgive themselves.

And to learn that I am here always.

Anon

Rob xx I try to practice

thanks Lauren P -Play greenspandex by Xavier Rudd, and listen it says it all......

Possum

2005-11-23T00:55:00.000+11:00

Sometimes a picture says it all.

This Possum pretty much fell on her head and when i said it was gone. Kim looked forward and the Possum was still there looking eye to eye. And yes it scared the cr#p outof her...Kim enjoyed it. It was not sinister.

Kylie the Superstar

2005-11-21T13:22:00.000+11:00

I can remember Kim and I discussing this at length and well...I will keep my comments and thoughts to myself. As any cancer is bad and anyone who has it is in pain, emotional, physical sickening pain.

Here is another piece of Kim's writting.

Reflections on the diagnosis of a superstar

I doubt very much that cancer has ever received as much attention as it did in the media frenzy that followed Kylie Minogue’s diagnosis with breast cancer in the last weeks. Large tabloid newspapers devoted the first five pages to covering the story, it even made the front page of the broadsheets. And when there was no new spin they could put on the Kylie story, the tabloids ran stories featuring other young women in a similar situation to Kylie.

I suppose it is understandable, after all she is a superstar and so public interest in her situation is inevitable. Even I was shocked when the story first broke, although I must admit to wondering if this was the work of some vengeful God with a vendetta against soap stars turned pop stars (first Delta Goodrem then this, let this be a lesson to you all kiddies!) but then I remembered that there were many other soap stars turned pop stars who had also committed crimes against good taste in the name of popular music and they hadn’t been struck down by aforementioned vengeful God, so there was that theory out the window.

I was shocked even though it reinforced something I already know – that age, wealth, fame and seemingly good health are no insulation against cancer. It can and does happen to anyone. I am sure that there are literally thousands of young women across Australia who are doing breast self examinations thinking ‘if it could happen to Kylie it could certainly happen to me’, Kylies diagnosis is and will do wonders for breast cancer awareness and part of me (sorry Kylie) wishes that she was diagnosed with my type of cancer, because I am sure if some ‘superstar’ had my type of cancer then something would get done about the abysmal state of research and treatment. But that is a different story.

As I read the media surrounding Kylies diagnosis, I realised something about the way we deal with cancer. If we make the somewhat dangerous assumption that the media are a sort of vox populi, if they represent the way we as a broader society think and express ourselves then it becomes even more interesting.

It was not so many years ago that the word cancer was all but taboo, a word to whispered in Doctors offices and the hallways of hospitals, but not something that was openly discussed. It was the big C…

Now it is okay to talk about cancer but what has been illustrated this week is that you can only talk about it in a certain way. It seems the only way we can cope with cancer is if we think of it as a battle or a prize fight. Who else saw the headline “BRAVE KYLIE WINS CANCER FIGHT!” Just like that, one week, not even enough time for the news to really sink in and she has ‘won’.

This mode of thinking creates a distance between the patient and ourselves, because by projecting how we want to think about their situation we fail to connect authentically with what they are experiencing. As was evident in the newspapers this last week and something that has been clear to me since I was diagnosed is that the majority of people communicate with a cancer patient as if they were a footy coach ‘you can do it’ ‘you are a fighter, stay strong’ ‘keep positive, keep up the fight’ An approach which leaves no room to do anything but agree and reinforce your will to ‘fight’ even though you may feel frightened or uncertain or sick or tired, there is no room for sadness or anger or any other of the emotions that inevitably accompany a cancer diagnosis, there is no sharing or understanding with this approach because anything less than a totally positive attitude is completely unacceptable. It is unacceptable because we don’t know what to say.

Cancer is not a fight, it is a journey and when you come to the end of journey there are no winners and there are no losers.

As for Kylie, I am sure she will discover that the cancer may be gone from her body, it will not gone from her life.

Kim Dalton May 2005

Peace to Kim forever in our thoughts. Rob x

"Watching From the Sideline" By Ros

2005-11-08T19:53:00.000+11:00

Kim loves you Ros and is in peace waiting for us for our next cliff trek, ice cream pigout or road trip!

Watching from the Sideline

Tonight there is an orange moon.
Controlling what I cannot control.
The tides of the ocean.
The depth of my emotion.

********

Sometimes I feel like I am in the ocean - treading water. The blackness of the night blinds me to all but the silver ripples which reflect the moonlight like liquid mercury flowing over ink. Around me I can hear others, struggling. We are all needing, pleading, grabbing, panicking - thrashing violently. I can’t breathe. I want to save them… but I don’t feel strong enough. I swallow salted water, gagging on their tears, drowning in my own.

But this is not about me. It is not important how I feel. All that should matter, all that does matter - is her.

********
Round 1 - Ding!

She bursts onto the red and blue martial art mats as an animal bursts forth from a cage. Confident, determined and full of a primal energy. There is intensity in her eyes and a power in her stance. She is intimidating even from the sidelines and I don't envy her opponent. Kim is a fighter. She is exceptional and she doesn't lose.

She moves around the ring, sizing up her much larger adversary. She bares her teeth through her mouth guard and stares directly at the challenger. Her hunched shoulders and stooped steps belie the speed and grace of her taekwondo ability. With a thumping heart and breath held, I watch, expectant. She will soon unleash a flurry of perfectly placed, forceful kicks. I know she will score. I know she will win.

Kim is one of those people who think that it is more fun to slide down the snakes than to climb up the ladders. I think that I admire her. Maybe even idolise her. She has a strength that I would like to have. We go surfing together and approach the waves as differently as we seem to approach everything else in life. Kim races towards the water, eager for the release. She paddles out to where the guys are surfing and rides the largest wave in the set, completely fearless. I stand on the beach with my board feeling a bit like an impostor. I paddle out with difficulty and with gritted teeth I try to ignore the pain in my shoulders. I haven't mastered duck diving yet so get swallowed by every wave that comes at me. In the waves, I am a liability and stick to the white-water, away from everyone else. That is unless Kim calls me out. "Get out here you kook!" Then I'll paddle out to the line-up, cause it's one thing to be a kook but another entirely to be considered weak.

The sound of Kim claiming another point with a loud shout draws my attention back. Her hand pumps the air in a cocky gesture to show the judges that she knows that point was hers, as if daring them not to score it. She is in the lead, 4-0. Yet I look in her opponent's eyes and see none of the usual doubt, exhaustion or fear. There is a smirk glinting back at Kim and it makes my stomach lurch. Her opponent is obviously holding back.

Then it happens, before I can shout a warning. We hear the dull thud of foot connecting with skull as Kim receives a hard blow to the head. She stumbles backwards in a daze and falls to her knees. The ref is in – giving the count. I want to run to her, help her, protect her, and I have never felt like that towards Kim. She has never needed me before because I am the weaker one. But she is confused. The referee's hands cross in front of him as he signals that the round is over and that it went her opponents way. For the first time ever, I see fear in Kim's eyes.

Cancer is like that. It sneaks up on you when you least expect it. When you feel completely invulnerable. And it can knock you out.

********
Round 2 - Ding!

The other day, Kim showed me what it feels like to fly. We were detouring through the farms to avoid the weekend tourist traffic that clogs the highway every Sunday like a tumour blocks the flow through a vein. It was one of those rare moments that created a precious memory. An experience that once bottled can be smelt, tasted and relived again and again. My left cheek was warm, caressed by the sun as it began to decline in the west. Kim sat beside me with a content smile on her face and her eyes closed. Her window was wound down and her cropped, brown fluffy-duck hair lifted up and down as we cruised along. Mellow blues and roots music was playing. This was Kim's latest gift in her ongoing attempt to rescue me from my previous apparent music disasters like Justin Timberlake.

Turning to me calmly she said, "wind down your window and stick your hand out… this is what it must feel like to fly." She moved her arm like a snake, up and down - cupping the air.

Mimicking, I immediately felt an updraft of air lift my hand. Invisible and cool currents formed as the speed of the car broke through the air, picking up our hands and arms like solid platforms that raise you up and then drop you. Only the fall is short as the next one catches you. Spreading my fingers my skin tingled and the sensation made me feel alive. It was a shared moment that was tranquil and beautiful.

Shit she's brave. All it took were a few words of encouragement from her coach and Kim is refocused and determined to fight back. Sitting in her corner, she nods at the advice but her thoughts are internal. In the other corner her opponent seems neither tired nor weakened and if anything appears to have grown. Or is it that Kim has diminished? The physical changes of weight-loss, muscle aches, nauseousness and fatigue, all came so quickly after round one that it absolutely shocked me. When I saw her I froze. Everything stopped and I couldn't move or speak or register why the fittest person I knew looked much less healthy then me. I just hope that Kim didn't notice before I recovered and put on the bubbly, 'nothing is different' act. But even in her physically weakened state it is clear that Kim hasn't lost hope. I think that most people would have thrown in the towel by now. Maybe it is because she is only twenty-three and the thought of ultimate defeat is foreign to her.

As the round began, I prayed and pleaded silently to whatever or whoever might be listening. "Give her any strength that I have, help her to win. Don't let her get hurt any more." Maybe someone was listening because Kim started off well. As her opponent rushed in she defended with a back-swing kick and scored the point. Her tactics have become less offensive now and more defensive. She deflects her attacker time and again. The fight seems even and maybe Kim is slowly gaining an edge. The judges are scanning the fighters for signs of flaws and her opponent is scanning her for weak-points. At one stage we celebrated as the scan showed that there wasn't any weakness left in her body. It looked like she had won. But then her opponent attacked unexpectedly to her mid-section, kicking her hard in the liver and kidney. Kim had lost another round.

********
Round 3 – Ding!

Kim needs me. I know she needs me. I have to be there for her so I push through the crowd rudely with my elbows desperate to be there and to not let her down. I will sit next to her for as long as it takes.

One of the judges enters Kim's corner with some students who are learning to be judges themselves. "This is competitor 341" he states matter-of-factly, indicating Kim with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Competitor 341 has been beaten in two rounds now and sustained injuries to her adrenal gland, right kidney, liver, main leg vein, head and immune system. This is a fascinating fight as it is very rare to see points scored against such a young competitor in these particular areas. The odds are that competitor 341 will lose." I want to punch the judge in the face. To scratch at his arrogant and uncaring eyes and scream at him that Kim has a name! That she is more than just a fighter! That she is my best friend! I am so angry, but I say nothing because as usual I am weak and intimidated and feel helpless.

I kneel beside Kim's chair and search in her eyes for some sign of hope. Some sign of her fighting spirit. But the tide of her blue eyes rises as she whispers, "it feels like no matter how hard I try, it doesn't make any difference. So why should I try any more?' Salt water engulfs my cheek as a wave crashes forth uncontrolled.

I am not a good friend. A good friend would have had something to say. A good friend wouldn’t have lost hope. Wouldn’t imagine what it would be like at the funeral – what it would be like to be the one pitied.

I don't know who is going to win this fight. The problem is - the outcome of taekwondo tournaments is not always fair. Judging is very subjective and often the best fighter and the most skilled player doesn't win. It is not the crowd favourite that usually stands victorious on the podium. Unfortunately it is normally the most aggressive. And no opponent is more aggressive or invasive then the one Kim faces. The problem is that she seems to be psyched out - to have given up. And I don't know what to say to her because I know that in her situation I would have given up long ago.

So while I try to believe, to inspire and to have hope… I remain scared. Realistically, the odds are that Kim wont win. But I try not to think about that. I just try to let her know that I will always be here - watching from the sideline.

by Ros Montefiore

The Daltons

2005-11-04T14:56:00.000+11:00

Thankyou to Steve, Marie, Chris and Adam.

Shattered Dreams

2005-11-04T14:37:00.000+11:00

Kim wrote in note pads, sometimes in the middle of the night.

I CAN'T LOOK INTO YOUR EYES,

I AM AFRAID,

WILL YOU SEE THEM SCREAMING?

SCREAMS WHERE THERE WERE ONCE DREAMS,

I AM AFRAID,

I CAN'T LOOK INTO YOUR EYES,

I MIGHT SEE YOU SCREAMING,

MY SCREAMS,

YOUR SCREAMS,

OUR SHATTERED DREAMS

Kim Dalton 2005

Flowers

2005-11-02T23:49:00.000+11:00

Kim was a wonderful women and most geniune person.

In view of the work that Professor David Morris did and the
strong and overwelming gratitude for Prof, Kim myself and Family would
like anyone thinking of flowers to send a Donation to the "Professor David Morris
Liver Cancer Research Fund".

Prof gave us atleast 2 1/2 years extra with Kim, carrying surgery 3 times, where most
would not operate. He is so devoted to his amazing work and has his own private lab for research.

Prof was recently Head Of Surgery for UNSW. An oustanding individual backed by a strong team. At one operation Kim had 20
Doctors working on her. I reiterated that we are so grateful to "the Prof" as he is known.

Send your donation to Po Box 4000 Albion Park Rail NSW 2527
We will compile all donations and present to Prof with a copy of Kim's book at a later stage

Thankyou
Taekwon

ENJOY THE VIEW FROM THE GLIDER KIM WENT IN courtesy of the Blatches, I was in the flying tractor towing her to altitude. We had planned a trip from Wollongong to Sydney Harbour Bridge (me at controls) she was looking forward to that. But the Weather and time ran out.

Peace
Rob

Rob and Kim surfing on the same wave, photo Marie always willing to shoot up stuff ups and successes...

Funeral is at 12 noon Tuesday 8th November. Call me for details, Most people have been invited to attend already. Ss Peter and Paul Church at Kiama. Manning St

Peace to Kim 27/4/1981 to 1/11/2005 May you Rest in Peace my Love

2005-11-01T22:00:00.000+11:00

"Peace to Shelley"...It is what Kim wrote about Shelley who passed away recently of the same horrible disease.

Kim is now with the angels, for I suspect she is an angel herself. I could never write eloquently enough to describe "our Kim".

Kim left us at about 405pm today. She passed away, peaceful rising up to the heavens was as it is described. "it seemed as if her soul was rising to the heavens"...

There are alot of broken hearts, family, friends, soulmate. Irreplacable to what comes to mind, my mind foggy with loss and pain.

Kim has left a legacy of herself in everyone that was fortunate enough to interact with her, even her opponents in Taek would not leave a match without taking something away, even if it was as simple as trying to have the determination that she had.

So I leave you temporarily with this writing piece from Kim, in her own words.

"MEMORIES..............Some moments are perfect. Beautifully, achingly perfect. So perfect they need to be bottled.

Memories. Bottled, sealed. Stored in the cellars of a mind. Labelled, description, year; like wine.

Brush back the cobwebs, dust off the label, uncork the bottle and find, like wine, that some memories ripen and mature with age. Time provides the perspective that adds a texture and richness to seemingly ordinary memories. Others, we open to find that time has rendered them bitter. Wine turned to vinegar. Some in between, bittersweet. The melodious laugh of a friend since lost. Poignant is the knowledge that no more of this vintage will be bottled. But cherished is the knowledge that we have these memories stored, to revisit, to remember.

Memories bottled away, some shall never be opened, but there all the same. Labels obscured and faded by dust and mould and other foot soldiers of time’s forward marching army.

Cursed to forget? Cursed to remember?

Down the stairs of my mindhouse, to my cellar of memories. The slow creaking of the cellar door tells me that I visit this room too infrequently. Too focused on the present or the future to glance over my shoulder, to reflect on the past, to let a ray of sunlight cut through the dust into the dark corners of my cellar.

That feeling of warmth and security as a toddler I crawled into my mothers arms. When the blanket of her love was enough to protect me from anything bad.

Dad teaching me to ride my first ‘big bike’. A stunning red contraption with big sissy handlebars and a long seat that glittered in the sun. The feeling half terror, half exhilaration as I glance behind and realise that Dad is no longer holding on, that I am riding by myself.

The smell of Mum’s pancakes as my seven year old feet in their scuffed black school shoes run up the path to our front door. Throwing my school bag down

The way the sun glitters and dances across the water when I sit in silent contemplation savouring my early morning surf.

My cellar is not overflowing; indeed it is not yet full, for I am young. If I live long enough will my bottled memories outgrow the cellar and creep insidiously into the other rooms of my mindhouse?

Bottles stacked haphazardly down the high ceilinged hallways of my mindhouse.

Piled on the benches of my kitchen of thought. My mindhouse kitchen where ideas mix, stir, cook, simmer, defrost, reheat and if left out too long in the sun, spoil.

Bottles through the bedroom of my mindhouse, where love and leisure reside. Where after dark, dreams soar out the open windows into the velvet blackness of night. The night time realm of possibilities, unbridled by the solid walls of rational thought and the roof of expectation that form my mindhouse.

Finally, when there is no more room in the cellar, in the hall, in the kitchen, in the bedroom, memories will clutter, congest and clog the living room, the place of the present, where the here and now unfold.

My mindhouse will be full of memories, the door will bolt shut, and my aged eyes will glaze over. Too old, my mindhouse too muddled by memories to comprehend life outside its four walls and a roof.

I will be left to wander through my muddled memory mindhouse. Live drinking memories of the past.

I wonder, will it be indiscriminant? Like an alcho with the DTs lurching for a drink, any drink. Greedily grabbing at a drink only to discover it is the scorching metho of a long forgotton embarrassment or shame or if lucky the smooth whisky of a buried recollection of childhood happiness and simpler days.

Or will I find the rack of smooth red wine, matured with age, full of texture, depth, spice and aroma. If I find this rack I can live content in my mindhouse. Sipping and savouring those moments which were meant to be remembered.

Perhaps I will leave too young, my cellar not even close to capacity. Left only to be an aged bottle in the cellar of those I have loved."
Kim Dalton 2004

Loved always
Robert

Kim is in relative peace

2005-10-31T14:36:00.000+11:00

Hi all,

I bring sad news in that Kim is in her final days. The cancer has progressed to a point where there are no treatment options only providing comfort and lots of love....

Kim's family, closest friends and myself are present almost always at her mums home.

Kim is at ease and at peace with where she is and where she is going. Kim is not complaining which is so her, she asks for nothing, just love and peace. Kim looks well.

It is really hard to deal with the thought of losing your soulmate, friend, mentor, coach, daughter or sister (what an understatement!). However Kim has accepted where she is at and I know you can give her your love and comfort at this time. Accepting the peace in her life and your own will help you with losing the physical Kim, the spiritual Kim can never leave us.

It is not about the fight as there is no fighting, cancer has its own schedule, it has its own rules (none). It is not about winning or losing, rather the journey the things that we do, and those we can help.

If you wish send her emails of the love you have or value and the comfort she has brought you in your life.

Kim can leave knowing that she made this world a better place, impacted on many peoples lives in such a positive manner, set a benchmark that many can only strive to reach, gave so much love.

There is no winning or losing

just love.....

all emails are read to Kim....

The Real Fight Possible Cover

2005-10-29T21:45:00.000+10:00

We thought it was going to be another but the ABC (Stuart) seemed to like this one. We thinks it works great!!!! Well everyone who has seen it.

All seems surreal

Kim is now very ill

2005-10-27T23:46:00.000+10:00

10.000 feet after her 1st operation.

Update from Rob...

As strange as it may seem I just finished reading the book. It is hard to read, for myself anyhow. Alot of things you tend to forget...but Kim's words bring back many of the struggles that we/she went through. You read a few pages and laugh, then go and a few more and cry. I few more there is anger or frustration at the feeling of adequancy, not being able to fix things....for Kim knows that I am a fixer (of a lot of things anyhow).

As uninspirational that Kim wants to be, it is with her attitude and everything about her that is inspirational. She has so many traits that I wish we all had.

"The Real Fight" her book. As she wrote it, Kim would read passages to me and see how they sounded out. But to sit down and read, hurt. It made me proud, happy, sad, lonely....

The hurt is when the back of your throat pains, dull deep pain, pressure pain, choking pain. Not the sharp pain, but more emotional pain.

Irreplacable comes to mind, soul mates. The pain is there... it does not want to leave.

Kim is now very ill, Her wonderful family are there 24/7 helping her and me. We appreciate this so much. Sometimes you don't put your thanks into words but I think people know what it means to someone .....of the love and support given.

I read about the fights coaching her and the feelings of pride and joy when even though the fairy tale of a comeback win was not to eventuate, she had achieved more then many ever will have the heart to do.

I ramble on.... just finished the book and had to write, to find a release. Maybe I will delete this, maybe I will not...tomorrow we will see....

thankyou to Everyone that has supported us especially Kim.

Now is the time to speak to her....

fond regards
Rob

2005-10-12T18:21:00.001+10:00

Hi All.

Here we go...

We went to Tasmania where the team from South Coast Taekwondo went really well. 8 gold medals I think. Sitting in the stands I know my team was doing it for me and feel proud of Rob for his coaching and all the guys for their performances.

Rob and I just returned from a few nights in Cairns, which is an absolutely beautiful part of the world that I hadn't seen before. Everywhere you look is like a postcard and apart from having to manage my health up there it was just magical. The contrast of being in Hobart to Cairns within a week is amazing, both have their beauty but in a different way. Hobart is rugged, cold and almost old worldy. Cairns is fresh and warm and idyllic, the area around Port Douglas is like what I imagine most people's inner sentiment of 'paradise' would be.

Health...

I am not a canditate for the SIR-spheres procedure. The scans I had just prior to Tasmania needed to show that I had a less than 20% intake of the radiation into the lungs. My intake was 30% which means they are unable to the procedure safely. Obviously this is very disappointing news.

Honestly in the past weeks (?) I am not sure...my health has deteriorated and looks to continue to. Basically the mitotane that we had hoped would control the hormone production hasn't seemed to and given how sick it was making me feel we decided not to continue it at this point in time. I have spent two days at the emergency room getting potassium 'transfusions' in the last week because my potassium levels have been stripped right down. This is related to hormone levels and I should feel better from it.

So I guess I am trying to say with this update is that I am taking it easy at the moment, I am putting my legs up (literally) and letting Mum and Rob look after me. It is nice.

Lots of Love
Kim

2005-09-27T14:00:00.000+10:00

Peace to Steve Wilkinson, passed away 24th September 2005 after a nearly five year journey with adrenocortical carcinoma. Steve, a doctor himself, taught me a lot about this disease and as a sports fanatic was a source of motivation for my own return to competition...I don't have the words at the moment

Other news...tomorrow I have three scans to see whether I am a candidate for the SIR-spheres, if I am the treatment will go ahead next Wednesday (things seem to move quickly when you are outside the public health system). In the interim I will be in Tasmania.

So fingers and toes crossed, touch wood etc for 'good' scan results tomorrow.

As sharp as a bowling ball...SIR-spheres?

2005-09-19T22:44:00.000+10:00

Another quick update...
Still trying to get a hold of the symptoms caused by tumours and/or medications at the moment. Worst at the moment is leg swelling and spending a lot of time a bit vague and mentally out of it. The vagueness frustrates the hell out of me, I have to focus so hard just to go through the most basic mental processes, which is unusual for me. I remember a high school geography teacher once telling a student that they were 'as sharp as a bowling ball', well that is how I feel.

We recently saw a report on the news about a new treatment for inoperable liver cancer, now ordinarily what you see reported on the news tends to be a media beat up to raise research funds for treatments that are years and years away from being of any use to current patients, but what they showed in this news report was of interest enough for Mum and I to follow up.

The treatment is called SIR-spheres and is a form of radiation therapy that directly targets the liver by injecting small irradiated beads into the bloodstream that then travel to the liver and attack the cancer (read more at www.sirtex.com).

Obviously it has never been tried in adrenocortical carcinoma and though it is not a cure it would seem that it has had some 'good' results in reducing the size of tumours in the liver and apparently the side effect profile is pretty good (ie it doesn't make you that sick). Being a new treatment it is not covered by medicare and costs around $8000 - $10000

To cut a long story short, we contacted the Prof (the man - the liver surgeon who performed my 3 surgeries) to ask what he thought about this treatment in my situation and he wanted to look at my scans, after looking at my scans he said that he thought there was a good chance that the SIR-spheres could be of benefit to me, considering all the problems I am having are being caused by the tumours in my liver, but that he needed to consult with his team first (and given their history of wanting to put my case in the too hard basket this could be where the road blocks come in...). The meeting was meant to be today but was postponed because the prof was called to surgery so I am still waiting to hear whether this will be something we will be pursuing.

2005-09-11T16:04:00.001+10:00

I thought we were going to the movies!

2005-09-11T15:49:00.002+10:00

SCTC girls

How to tell you have the worlds best boyfriend

2005-09-11T15:10:00.000+10:00

Warning: this post is going to be a little more 'gushing' than usual...

How to tell you have the worlds best boyfriend.

A Hint...You get diagnosed with a very rare, very difficult to treat form of cancer that completely changes the dynamics of your relationship and there has never been any hint that he would not be right there next to you. Even though most guys would have been thinking this is not what I signed up for.

Then...When you are are having what he knows is a pretty shitty few weeks, because of ridiculously high hormone levels playing havoc with your emotional control (which lucky for him he tends to bear the brunt of), plus new medications that make you feel sick, tired and ridiculously vague and are feeling altogether fairly inhuman (not to mention moon faced and tankled).

When this is happening you can tell you have the worlds best boyfriend when he spends the week organising a surprise party to celebrate your book being published and just because he knows you need something to celebrate. Without you knowing a thing he manages to organise around 60 of the people who are important to you to surprise and celebrate with you...and I thought I was going to the movies.

Thanks Rob.

Thanks everyone.

2005-09-08T23:44:00.000+10:00

Rob and I trying to entice a new pet to the family

It's just a body right?

2005-09-08T22:38:00.000+10:00

Now I have never been the most body conscious person about. Sure I was an elite athlete for many years and in some ways was obsessed with my body, but that was more about function, not form. Like everyone I like to look nice and I like everybody I feel better when I do. But lucky for me my sense of self has never really had that much to do with what I look at in the mirror in the morning.

This is lucky because I look in the mirror at the moment and have to remind myself it's just a body, it is not you... tankles do that to you, a swollen head does that to you (do you know that the actual term they use for the swollen face associated with Cushing syndrome - which is an excess production of cortisol - is 'moon face' and who said the medical profession doesn't have a sense of humour...what, was balloon head already taken?), the acne like rash on my neck does that to you.

Actually apart from the tankles which are pretty noticeable but also in some ways amusing (I can write my name in them with my thumb) the side effects are probably not even that noticeable, if you didn't know how thin my face ordinarily looked or that I normally had clear skin and there are some advantages - with these cheeks I don't look like a cancer patient.

So at the moment I am feeling a little obsessed with 'keeping busy', it is as good a coping mechanism as any I guess. My 'to do' list is very full, some of it is important but mostly it is just random and relatively inconsequential stuff that suddenly seems very important that I get done. I know I am probably doing too much at the moment and should just take some time to put the tankles up and do nothing but rest but I think I am concerned that if I don't give myself a million reasons to get out of bed in the morning then I won't and if I stop maybe I won't be able to start again.

My eyes are doing the rolling around in my head thing again, so that tells me it is time to get some sleep.

Thanks to everyone who has commented or sent me messages in the past few weeks.

A quick update

2005-08-30T23:17:00.000+10:00

Just a short post tonight, I am so tired that my eyes are rolling around in my head, possibly a side effect of one of the twenty or so tablets I am taking each day. Is a computer heavy machinery? If it is, according to the stickers on my pill bottles I shouldn't be operating it.

An update...
Turns out the tumours are producing those excess hormones (about eight times the normal levels, which accounts for most of the symptoms I have been experiencing) so I have started back on a drug called Mitotane to control (hopefully) the symptoms of excess hormone production. The catch is (and there is always a catch) is that Mitotane is a very toxic drug so now I have a whole new set of symptoms from taking it. Joy!

Oh...I put the finishing touches on the book, I finalised the photos, the trip to tasi is almost organised and Rob and I just spent a very nice weekend getting away down the coast. Had a surf on Sunday which was...magical.

Gotta go, too tired, must sleep...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Things I am not doing and why...

2005-08-17T21:08:00.000+10:00

I am supposed to be putting the finishing touches on my book.

I am supposed to be finalising the photos I want in the book.

I am supposed to be organising travel for 10 people to Tasmania for the national championships.

There are other things I am supposed to be doing. I am doing none of these things.

I can't focus on any of them because all I can focus on is a CT picture of a liver. It is my liver. Greyish white is good - healthy, black is bad - cancer. My liver looks like a grey plastic bag filled with black golf balls. The tumours are large and they are too numerous to count. Usually I am fairly articulate but I look at the scan and the best I can describe it is as 'a fucking mess'. And the mess that is my liver that needs to work so I can live.

A few weeks ago things were looking fairly rosy (that is for someone with a cancer that can't be cured), but over the last week or so thing deteriorated for me. High blood pressure, facial and leg swelling, swollen, distended abdomen (I look like Sigourney Weaver having the Alien baby) all told me something was wrong so after some insistence we got a CT scan done which showed the liver...looks like the increased tumour burden is causing production of hormones which is causing the swelling problems, which hopefully we can get under control by shutting down the hormone production.

I have no perspective to write any more on this at the moment, but I thought I would just let you all in on what has been happening.

Junkie

2005-08-09T21:16:00.000+10:00

The ladies who work at my local chemist have been giving me funny looks lately, I have been there just about everyday and I think they think I have turned into a junkie. The chemist is downstairs from our Taekwondo club and I have been buying strapping tape, heat creme and other training aids there for years, they know me by name and always ask how my training is going. But for the past three weeks or so I have been buying up the pain killers in a serious fashion. First it was the 50mg tramal tablets, then 100mg, then when they still didn't work the 200mg slow release tramal with the liquid morphiene for 'breakthrough' pain. Then we figure out that the night sweats and hot flushes are not cancer symtoms at all but an unusual reaction to the tramal tablets (yay!) so out go the tramal and I am back at the chemist with another four scripts in my hand, for different doses of oral morphiene. The lady behind the counter shakes her head and looks confused when I give her the script, evidently she has some difficulty reconciling the fit looking young person giving her the script with the type of medications I have been buying from her everyday.

I know, you don't have to tell me - I look really healthy, I look like I don't need these medications, I don't look like a cancer patient. It is just hair and a tan...

So you are probably wondering what this pain is all about. It would seem that the small tumours that are on the lining of my lung and/or some of the tumours in my liver are pressing on a nerve and causing pain, in of all places, my right shoulder. It is only really bad when I lie down, which means I am a little sleep deprived at the moment. Within the next few days we should have the whole pain killer situation worked out and I should be able to stay 'on top' of this pain. I like my new doctor, I was at his office for a review today and we were discussing the situation with the pain killers, he was telling me that we could try a patch that slowly releases pain meds but that he wasn't sure how it would go in the surf and he didn't want to jeopardise my ability to get in the water. That is the attitude!

Oh yeah being sleep deprived, the hours between 2 & 5am seem to last longer than any normal hour, so any recommendations for books to read? Leave me a comment. In the last week or so I have read... The life of Pi, A Long Way Down, The Kite Runner, Atonement and Vernon God Little.

Also I am putting together some photo slideshows so if you have any good photos of us please email them to me.

2005-07-28T23:30:00.000+10:00

Surf beach, Kiama

2005-07-28T22:21:00.000+10:00

I haven't blogged for a while, this is mostly because a few weeks ago I got an offer from ABC Books to publish my book - The Real Fight. Which is all very exciting, but in the last ten days I have written around 12000 words for the book, so as you can imagine this didn't leave too much time for getting on here and rambling on about...well whatever.

I suppose I should tell you what has been happening lately with Fred. Last update I was waiting to hear from the Prof about having rfa done on the tumours in my liver, I had an ultrasound that was supposed to make sure they could see the tumours properly for the rfa, but it turned out that not only could they see them, but there was now apparently too many to be able to do the rfa effectively.

It seems somewhat inadequate to describe this as disappointing, but no other word comes to me.

Prof suggested that I go back to see my oncologist but I decided that wasn't something that I would be doing anytime soon. I have already decided that any further chemotherapy treatment is not for me and am not interested in having to justify that decision...again.

So because the prof couldn't/wouldn't treat me anymore and I didn't want to see my oncologist anymore, I was left without a doctor. I got a referral to see a palliative care specialist, which made me feel really disheartened because they are the people you see when you are, you know...dying. The irony is that this was easily the most positive doctors consultation that I have had in around twelve months. Go figure.

It was positive because he listened to the problems I have been having (namely diarrhoea every single day for at least six weeks, pain that has been affecting my sleep) and prescribed treatments that have already made a big difference. Contrast this with me telling my oncologist about the diarrhoea and him saying well that is interesting and not doing anything about it.

Positive because he pointed out things that I have going for me in my present situation, including my liver function tests not being highly elevated, my energy levels still being good and the cancer being mostly (not completely it has to be said, but mostly) fairly stable at the moment. He assured me that we could get my current symtoms under control and he didn't think I was 'dying' just yet. He was also the first medical person who didn't look at me like I was a total quitter for not wanting to do chemotherapy.

Now I realise that your life is pretty messed up when this constitutes a positive experience but anything that improves how I feel on a day to day basis has got to be a good thing right?

Oh just so you don't read this and think that things are worse than they actually are, I just want you to know that I am going snowboarding this weekend and here is a photo of me surfing last week...

And the ship sails on

2005-06-26T21:06:00.000+10:00

It is funny what you think about you are waiting to see a Doctor. Not funny ha ha, funny as in ironic or interesting.

Of course I am not talking about your average visit to see a Doctor about a sore throat or because you need a Doctors certificate to have a few days off that job you hate. I am talking about waiting to see the surgeon to see if he can (or will) cut out the cancer that is making you sick or waiting to see the oncologist to hear whether or not he thinks there is anything he can do to help you.

Most people appear to flick inanely through trashy magazines - Womans Weekly, Womans Day, Who - these magazines are tailor made for this situation because as they have nothing of consequence in them, you can read them without really taking it in and not have missed a thing. But seeing as I have a tendency to steer clear of anything that wants to tell me about Fergies amazing new diet, features anyone who has ever been in the Big Brother house or any publication that considers Pauline Hanson a 'celebrity' this is not an option I can stomach even for the sake of a brainless distraction.

Waiting for the oncologist I usually put my earphones in and turn my ipod up louder than is necessary, I sink low into the pink plastic and vinyl chairs and stare intensely at the floor. This is me trying my best to make the world leave me alone. Occasionally I glance around at the other patients and their families or eye the kind old lady who has a nametag and wants to sit next to me, pat my knee and ask how I have been, she wants to nod sympathetically and tut tut kindly when I tell her about my problems, she wants to tell me about how at difficult times prayer can help and hand me a prayer written on a card, then she wants to say god bless and that she will keep me in her prayers, then she wants to move on to the next patient and feel good about herself because she thinks she helped me. She wants to but I don't let her because my body language is hostile and says loud and clear I don't want your type of 'help'.

For reasons I don't entirely grasp I am always less hostile when I am waiting to see the Prof. Anxious - yes, hostile - no. The Prof just has that effect on me, my anger and hostility dissolve because I know that he wants to help me - if he can. I cannot say that definitively about any of my other Doctors.

Sometimes waiting for the Prof, I appraise the other patients in what is an always busy waiting area. Often they are yellow. They are yellow because they have liver cancer, the Prof is a specialist liver surgeon. I suppose I should feel happy that I am not yellow, but then when you have cancer you don't really give a shit about the colour of it.

But mostly I sit and consider the large photograph that hangs prominently on the wall. I wonder what it means, because when you hang a picture this big on the wall, you are making a statement.

There is a guy in a large row boat, the long and skinny types that you see in old movies. He is attempting to row through either sand or mud, I can't tell - the photo is sepia. He is at the back of the boat and manning the only set of oars. Standing boldly at the front of the boat is a large rhino.

The man is mid stroke and is straining, he is grimacing and looks like he is about just about to have an aneurysm. It is obvious that he is making no progress.

The other day I found a copy of the picture on the internet...

Now most art has never made that much sense to me, usually I can appreciate the beauty in it but not necessarily the meaning the artist is trying to convey. But I can see what this piece of art means to me as clearly as if it said 'Life is a bitch'.

You spend your whole life straining and trying and struggling and all you are left with is sore muscles. Because what you don't realise is that you were trying to row a big arse, useless rhino through mud and you have made no progress because it was never going to happen.

Perhaps I am reading too much into the whole situation but it seems to fairly accurately depict the nature of Profs work. His surgical list will never diminish, every time he finishes a massive, successful operation, he comes back to his office and there are new patients to operate on, he could work twenty four hours a day, seven days a week and there would still be people waiting for his help. Surely some days it must feel as futile as trying to row a rhino through sand.

Then I discover that apparently El la nave va means 'And the ship sails on' and I think that perhaps whether or not you are making any progress is not what is important, the journey goes on even if you may never move forward.

Prof will never be able to stem the tide of patients coming to see him but does help the individuals and give them more precious time on this earth, I may not be able to cure my cancer but I am still here and others are not...the ship sails on...

Peace to Shelley

2005-06-21T22:46:00.000+10:00

Peace to Shelley
Passed away 21/6/2005 at St George Hospital after a long journey with adrenocortical carcinoma.
I'll miss the only other young face at the oncology ward Shell.

There's a hole in my bucket...

2005-06-20T22:46:00.000+10:00

Apparently I am a bucket, a bucket with lots of holes in it. This little analogy can be added to my list of insensitive Doctors comments. Other gems on this list include "Kim I don't have the time to discuss this shit with you" (the shit being my cancer and my treatment options) "Oh hi - you're still alive" (thanks for the vote of confidence) "isn't it funny..." (if I was a Doctor talking about cancer I think I would choose my words more carefully).

Don't get me wrong I am not into Doctor bashing, I have a great deal of respect for members of the medical profession but today my oncologist and I just couldn't get on the same page, so he used the bucket analogy...

But I am getting way ahead of myself.

Today was scan day. The two worst parts of scan day are:

Drinking the barium suspension prep for the scan. You need to drink this before the scan because it makes the bowel show up better on the scan. I am not sure what is in it but I imagine if you took a handful of lead sinkers and used them as flavouring for a milkshake, the taste would be similar. I need to drink about four glasses of the stuff. Nasty, plain nasty.
The waiting AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH, the waiting.

...I get the thick envelope that contains my scans and promptly tear through the sticker saying FOR REFERRING DOCTOR ONLY and reach for the scan report, this is where the guy who knows how to decipher the scan tells the doctor what he found...

The small tumours in my lung are a little bit smaller...cool

The larger tumours in my abdomen are the same...that's ok

The tumours in my liver are growing...that's not so good

It's not good news but it isn't exactly terrible either.

Time to see my oncologist. We discuss the scan results for a while. He presents my options as he sees them.

Option 1: I do nothing (no treatment that is) and have a good quality of life for 'a period of months'.

Option 2: I try an experimental treatment and enroll in a phase 1 trial (phase 1 trials are designed to establish what dose is safe for humans of a new drug), the probability of a good result with an experimental drug is remote.

So presented with these fantastic options I was thinking is there an option 3? So I ask my oncologist why we couldn't we just ablate the ones in the liver seeing as they are growing?

The Prof does a procedure called RFA (radiofrequency ablation) which involves inserting a large needle into the tumour and ablating it. As I understand it is fairly straight forward and ideal for tumours in the liver or lungs that are under 5cm.

I am thinking that if we can fry the ones that are growing the quickest, surely that would have to put me in a better position. My oncologist disagrees and tells me that it would be like getting on a merry-go-round of futile treatments that are not going to give me any survival benefit. I ask him to explain to me how I wouldn't be in a better position if we destroyed what is currently the most aggressive parts of the disease.

"Well if you have a bucket with ten holes in it, and you plug two or three of the holes, the water is still going to drain out"

So now I am a bucket full of holes???

"But it if you plug some of the holes and they are the biggest holes, the water is still going to drain out slower! Your example is proving what I am trying to say!"

He continues to disagree. He can't seem to see where I am coming from and I must be dense because I can't seem to grasp the why part of his argument. He tells me "if you do decide to pursue that treatment, I will still continue to treat you, but it wouldn't be my decision". Magnanimous isn't he?

After we left the oncologist I decided to make an appointment to see the Prof. Prof is the man and if he told me to forget about the rfa, that it would be pointless, then I would listen to him. When I walked into the Profs rooms to make an appointment, he was on his lunch break and told me to come straight through and talk to him. If you have ever tried to get a specialist appointment quickly you have some idea how amazing this is.

The Prof puts my scans up on the light board, looks at my liver and says "We can ablate these easily". I relate to the Prof the opinion of my oncologist and ask him if he agrees "No I do not, we often treat people without the view of curing them, but they still get a benefit...if I had these spots in my liver, I would want to get rid of them..."

The Prof takes my scans to consult with the rfa people and tells me he will contact me to book in. He tells me that he is glad I decided to come and talk to him. I think the guy is my hero, I know I am only alive because he is good at his job and it feels good that he is not ready to give up on me yet.

So there is the latest news - there's a hole in my bucket, but we are going to plug some of them...

Scan day

2005-06-18T21:51:00.000+10:00

Monday is scan day...

I have been strongly considering not turning up for my scan, I figure I could just continue with this nice little denial thing I have going at the moment. It goes something like this 'oh, my side gets grossly swollen, tense and uncomfortable after I eat...mmm...it's probably just...nothing...doesn't mean anything' and if you just tell yourself that enough you might even start to believe it...though I'm still waiting.

So I guess one of three things will happen on Monday:

Ct scan will show that the cancer either hasn't grown or has only grown a little bit and this will be interpreted as a very good result. Oncologist will suggest I continue doing what I have been doing and have another scan in 6-8 weeks.
Ct scan will show that the cancer has either grown considerably or spread further and this will be interpreted as a bad result. Oncologist will suggest giving chemo another shot, I will say 'you know I don't think so' and then we will talk about wonderful things like 'pain control' and 'symptom management'.
Ct scan will show that I am completely and miraculously cured. Oncologist will say that he never needs to see me again and that I am the healthiest person he has ever seen. I will leave hospital to resume career as kick ass Taekwondo player, or possibly professional surfer - probably both. I will write a booker prize winning novel and be healthy, wealthy and wise. This will happen after the pigs fly past.

So I like number 3 but it does leave a question about this trouble I am having with my side after I eat...

I'll keep ya posted.

Lotto win and being on the other side of the conversation

2005-06-07T21:22:00.000+10:00

Well it seems my luck is changing...I have won lotto! Not once but twice! Admittedly the odds of winning lotto twice without even having entered a draw do seem somewhat remote...but the emails I got state clearly that I have won the international email lottery, all I have to do is send them my bank account details and they will deposit the US $1.5 million, so I should be rich sometime soon. Oops it said in the email that I shouldn't tell anyone, but I just can't help but share the good news with y'all. I am tempted to send them my bank account details and let them run wild with the $1.93 I have in my savings account (note: having cancer does not make you a good saver, I was putting some money away for a rainy day and then I realised that it is goddamn pouring).

Yesterday the shoe was firmly on the other foot...I spoke with a friend who also has adrenocortical carcinoma, we have a lot in common, diagnosed in the same week (acc has an incidence of 1 in 2 million, so what are the chances of that!) , have the same team of doctors, had a similar course of treatment, both relatively young, both athletic. My friend is doing a tough course of chemo but it still seems that her condition is deteriorating, speaking with her was terribly confronting (now I know how you all feel!) mostly because I was conscious of not saying the wrong thing (note: there is no 'right' thing to say to cancer patient but there definantly is a 'wrong' thing) and I felt that I was in a unique situation to provide some support for her if I could just convey it properly, but also because throughout the conversation I had the sensation of looking into a crystal ball. And I am still trying to get that sensation out of my head.

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors - African Proverb

A proper update

2005-06-02T22:36:00.000+10:00

Okay, so I am fast becoming addicted to this blog stuff. There is a button at the top of the page that says 'next blog', if you click on it it randomly takes you to another blog, which is a little strange. Kind of like walking into a strangers living room and going 'hey! whats happening today?'. Clearly I have way too much time on my hands (and yes I do see the irony in that statement).

So for a blog that is meant to be an update about my cancer and I, there has been a conspicuous lack of updates. This is either because not much has been happening (ever hear that saying 'nothing much happens but a lot goes on'? well that pretty much somes up my life at the moment) or because I intensely dislike publically acknowledging the reality of my 'situation' (euphemism!), perhaps it is a bit of both.

So the short story is...the last time we checked (which from memory was mid March) Fred was residing in my right lung, my liver, my psoas muscle and a few abdominal lymph nodes. Fred had shrunk a tiny bit (slightly less conspicuous is apparently the medical term) due to the chemotherapy I was taking (Gemcitabine and Carboplatinum for all those playing at home), so I continued to do the chemo until around a month ago when I decided that even though Fred didn't seem to appreciate the chemotherapy, neither did I so I decided to stop. Since then I have been enjoying feeling relatively well. On June 20th I will have a scan to see what Fred has been up to...after that? probably just more of what I have been doing...watching, waiting...living.

And the long story...well it is long and complicated and confusing (especially for me) so I am not even going to attempt it.

Well, that gets the update out of the way so now I can go back to blogging about random stuff.

Ciao
Kim

Only a surfer knows the feeling

2005-05-31T23:07:00.000+10:00

Barrack Point 29/5/05
The surf has been epic this past weekend, big, offshore, long walls. Reminds me of something I wrote earlier this year...

I sense her before I can see her. A primordial strength draws me to her with a force that I cannot resist. I don’t want to. When we are two streets back my heart quickens in anticipation, like when your lover walks through the door after a long absence. When we are one street back I sit up high and strain to see over the houses or trees that obscure her blue expanse.

As my car pulls up I am torn between the desire to gaze endlessly at her magical vastness and the compulsion to suit up and paddle into her playground as quickly as I can.

So much of my life has been defined by my involvement with her.

As a toddler my brother, Chris and I played at her shore. I lay next to the sandcastles Chris constructed and giggled and shouted happily as the small shore breaks washed over me.

A few Christmases later, Santa brought Chris and I inflatable surfmats, his navy and mine red. We discovered the absolute thrill of being pushed by her waves. I would ride my red surfmat up onto the shore until I felt the small plastic fins dig into the sand and then plead with Dad to take me back out into the lineup and push me onto the biggest wave he could see.

Mum and Dad decided that if I wanted to play with her all the time, I best understand her. So I enrolled in the nippers. Proud in my red and blue cap, I listened intently as the surf lifesavers explained to us her guile. I learnt how to use the same rips that got so many people into trouble, I learnt that if you just read her properly, those rips would drag you past the waves with minimum effort. Out the back on a paddleboard, I learnt which waves were going to break and where. I learnt to relax when she dragged me under and pinned me down, I learnt that she would soon grow bored and allow me to resurface.

Years later she really became my playground. With a bodyboard and flippers I learnt to spin and flip on her waves. I spent hours before and after school and all day on the weekends playing with her, I surfed so much that my hair turned blonde and my nose peeled constantly.

And now, when I need her the most, I have returned to her with my fibreglass board and she gives me something no one else can.

I am like her. Some days she is dark and angry. For those who don’t know her she is unappealing, dangerous even. Strong winds whip her into a frenzy and violent waves pound onto the rocks with a force that I can not only hear but that I can feel in my chest cavity, next to my beating heart. Other days she has a Zen like calm and tiny waves lap peacefully on the shoreline. Most days she is somewhere in between these two extremes and surfers like me can ride her waves.

As I pull on my wetsuit vest and smear sunscreen on my face I can barely contain my childlike excitement. When I tuck my board under my arm I find that I cannot walk to her, without making any conscious decision, my legs break into a run and I feel the shock of cool water as I dart into the shorebreak.

Eyes open, I duckdive and watch a wave roll over me, air bubbles peel off the nose of my board as I resurface. I feel like I am home. Below the surface, she welcomes me into her arms, it is still and quiet and peaceful and for a brief moment I have to resist the temptation to stay in her embrace forever.

The tranquil meandering of my mind is interrupted as a wave walls up and I paddle into it, oblivious to everything but the power surging behind my board, I jump to my feet and am completely in the present. The English language has no words for this sensation, the closest I ever come is something like “yeeeeeeeoooooooo!”. Only a surfer knows the feeling.
Sometimes I ride the waves well, sometimes I fall of and get smashed, but it doesn’t matter. Somewhere between the sand and the water, I lose myself. And somewhere between the sand and the water, I find myself. Only a surfer knows the feeling.

Winning is Everything

2005-05-26T22:08:00.000+10:00

"Kim I wanted to ask your opinion...I have to write an essay for English, either 'winning is everything' or 'winning isn't everything'...what do you think?"

Melissa is a student at my Taekwondo club, it is not unusual that she is asking for guidence with homework, once a week she brings some maths in and I tutor her. She is 15, funny, pretty and exceptionally talented at Taekwondo.

Like most of the kids in our competition team, I get on well with Melissa, I know she looks up to me and not just for help with homework. Knowing this I try to be a good role model, to be a mentor of sorts, I think that I succeed. I'd like to think that I have something to offer - I have succeeded in some of the areas that Melissa wants to succeed and even though I am only 24 I have a fair amount of what is euphemistically termed 'life experience'. Cancer does that to you.

I carefully weigh my response to her question and think to myself is winning everything? I ask:
"Well, what do you think?"
"It depends - if you are talking about sport or careers then winning is everything..."

I cast my mind back to when I was her age and wonder if I would have had the same opinion. I'd like to think that I may have had a little more perspective, but if I am being honest with myself I doubt that I would have. Elite sport doesn't tend to encourage well-rounded, compassionate individuals, it is too focused on the self.

But I can understand where Melissa is coming from - this kid is a winner. She turns up to run her school cross country and casually breaks the record. Until relatively recently she had not been beaten in Australia in Taekwondo and when she was beaten she disliked the experience so much that she has yet to let it happen again. Of course winning seems like everything, in our sport when you win you get to go overseas to represent Australia, the losers go nowhere.

I give Melissa some half baked answer and tell her to write about whichever statement she believes as it will be more authentic and then go back to reading my book. But later the question returns to me is winning everything?

Who am I to argue that it isn't. I am a coach, I drill the kids everyday in the hope that they will be able to win come competition day. And I enjoy it when they do.

We live a society obsessed with winning, with being the best. We exalt our sports stars when they are winning but are quick to turn on them when they are losing. The vocabulary of winning is not isolated to sport, it permeates our school and work environments. We are told we must be winners or more accurately, that we must not be losers.

And this is where it all comes apart for me - if winning is everything then the people who don't win must be losers. Alarm bells are ringing in my head and I realise the problem. The question Melissa posed me deals in absolutes and nothing life is absolute. So a better or more thought provoking question is not whether or not winning is everything but what is winning?

Where do we draw the line between winning and losing? Is the person who wins the race but shows no humility a winner? Is the person who has struggled to overcome illness or injury but finishes 5th a loser? Is the person who achieved a personal best but didn't make the final a loser? Is the person who wins the match but hates what they are doing and are only there because their parents push them a winner? Is the person who loses their match but does so with a smile on their face because they enjoyed the process a loser? Is the hotshot lawyer who made partner but barely knows his wife or children a winner? Is the council worker on a lower income but with an open and caring relationship with his family a loser? I could go on and on.

So what do I think? If winning is giving everything, if it is overcoming the odds, if it is enjoying the process, if it is being balanced, compassionate and authentic, if it is being true to yourself, then and only then winning is everything.

Ciao
Kim Dalton

Getting started...

2005-05-26T05:32:00.000+10:00

I would like to welcome myself to the world of blogging. As I am new to this format I guess I should start by explaining a little about myself and why I am choosing to become a 'blogger'.

My name is Kim Dalton, I am 24 years old and live on the South Coast of NSW, Australia. Nearly two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called adrenocortical carcinoma. I have had surgery, I have had chemo, I am not currently undergoing any treatments.

I guess that I hope I can turn this blog into a bit of an insight into me and my journey and perhaps people I know can read it and not have to ask me that dreaded question 'how are you?', perhaps people I know can read it and feel like they know the real me a little better, perhaps people I don't know can read it and somehow relate, perhaps it will enable me to connect with others a little better, perhaps it will document an important part of my life, perhaps it is just the self indulgent ramblings of a bored person, perhaps a bandaid solution for an existential crisis...perhaps, perhaps - let's find out!